(Disclaimer: I am not an astrologer.)
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You will meet a kind stranger. You might feel impulsive, but you absolutely should not dye your hair green. If you find a three-leaved clover, preserve it in your favourite book. Green is your lucky colour today (but do not dye your hair green).
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
You will meet an unkind acquaintance. Smile, for it will vex them. You may feel conservative, but that is exactly when you must push the bounds of what you feel you can do. A significant risk is worth taking. Your significant other is not.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
It will rain good fortune, but only if you are open to the wisdom of the universe (or cats. You may stumble across some wise cats). You may also stumble. On an uneven path. Beware the colour purple. If your tongue is purple, you may be sick (or you may have eaten some very sugary candy, in which case, sugar is the new tobacco, you know).
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Lies are cancerous. The sky is ominous. It might be prudent to stay indoors and meditate upon the meaning of life (specifically, the meaning of your life, and whether your childhood self would regard you with glee or dismay). Be like a sage and respond to provocation with only a maddening smile.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
The heavens roar with the force of your anger towards those who you feel have wronged you. Like lies, anger is also cancerous. Let go of your deep-seated grudges with a deep exhale and maybe an ice cream. And also the knowledge that those you hate have probably forgotten you after all these years (I regret to inform you that they do not lie awake at night remorsefully recollecting their transgressions).
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Ah, Virgo. Your delusions of romantic love continue to blight the possibilities. No individual is worth (or really, can hold up under) the weight of your expectations. Perhaps look for fulfilment in a meaningful vocation rather than an unrealistic hodge-podge of dreams cobbled together from silly rom-coms and sillier romantic novels. And perhaps re-read Austen to discover that she was not quite as idealistic about love as you may suppose (Austen was essentially a satirist, if a gentle one. Ignore the wet-shirt adaptations and go for the originals.)
Libra: September 23 – October 22
The scales are not in your favour. But then, they never are. Forget about the scales and focus on what you can do to improve your odds in this very strange game that we call life. A white dog might be lucky for you, if you can overcome your fear of dogs and give it a belly rub. Expressing yourself artistically is more important than finding a financially fantastic job right now.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Hmm. Pass.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Ah, this most glorious of signs. Have faith in the incredible gifts you were born with. Bestow the bounty of your presence upon others sparingly and only as you deem fit. Indulge your every whim and glory in the fact that you were born as yourself and not as some other poor sucker. Every colour is lucky.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
By virtue of your heavenly proximity to Sagittarius, timings-wise, some of its good luck will bless you, also. Take advantage of your good fortune to go for that musical career you always wanted. No doubt your spouse(s) will step up to the plate, if you have a family that needs taking care of. They will grouse a bit initially, but you just have to weather it until they are too wan from the stress of being responsible breadwinners to have the energy or time to complain.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Find a water body and stare at the calm depths until you feel serene. Today, there will be much aggravation. Your mother will call you one time too many. Your father will insist on an account of your spending. Your younger sibling will be reckless and require financial assistance. Your family will be ungrateful. You will feel much put-upon. Just remember, it could be worse.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Go vegetarian. It’s good for the planet. It’s good for you, also. You eat too much red meat.
Is fish vegetarian…it depends on who you ask. Make sure you ask someone likely to give you the response you want. Today is the day to start running. Buy some decent shoes, your 10-year-old Nikes are quite sick of you and would like to be retired.
Call a Rose a Rose 